The Week You Can’t Remember: Jan. 5th-9th
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Paris just doesn't understand why anyone would think she's not a good girl...
Spend all week lying through your teeth to the press? Here’s what you might have missed.
Breaking news! Paris Hilton isn’t a total sperm dumpster. In a recent interview with Glamour magazine, the hotel heiress claims she’s only had sex with a couple of guys. Oh, alright we get it. You’re using the words “a couple” in the same way people say something is good by calling it bad. So in this case, “a couple” could mean like 300 +, right? My what a clever girl you are, Paris.
In other little white lie news, Benjamin Button himself, Brad Pitt, went on record with W magazine as saying he never cheated on his ex-wife, Jeniffer Aniston, with Mr. & Mrs. Smith co-star and current partner in life, Angelina Jolie. Again this is just another misunderstanding. You see, when Brangelina spent their days on set engaging in crazy, satanic monkey-love, they thought they were just add-libbing their scenes. As it turns out, the cameras weren’t even rolling. Crazy right? Right?
2009 must be the year of the douchebag, as these pics of The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt having a photoshoot at a martial arts class will prove. We can only hope these are stills taken from a new reality show in which Speidi travels the word getting their ass brutally kicked by warriors of various nations. Think about it MTV or VH1. February sweeps is just around the corner.
Holy sh*t. We’ve heard of getting fit in the new year, but Jake Gyllenhaal is taking things way too far. We’re trying not to make an obvious steroids joke here, but let’s just say that after seeing Brokeback Mountain, it’s no mystery where this guy is taking his injections. In the butt…get it? ‘Cause he got butt plugged in the movie? Oh, gay cowboy jokes…we wish we knew how to quit you.
Alright, let’s get back to more heterosexual matters. Check out these pics of super-cutie Amanda Bynes at the recently held Critic’s Choice Awards. Despite the fact that dress makes her look like a big bottle of peptobismol, with that tan body and long legs, she’s just what the doctor ordered.
In case that wasn’t enough, here’s a beach shot of blonde bombshell Jessica Simpson that may or may not be real. If you ask us, we think it’s fake, unless for some reason Jess has began an international camel smuggling cartel in her bikini bottoms. You be the judge.
You know that the institution of marriage is in trouble if people like R. Kelly and his now ex-wife Andrea can’t make it together. The Trapped in the Closet star officially finalized his divorce this week, and we here at K.O.W. are the first to bring you the court documents. Apparently under reasons for divorce, Andrea cited irreconcilable differences and the fact that she was tired of being dumped on. Sorry that was a cheap poop joke. He actually peed on her on a daily basis.
Speaking of things you might find in a toilet, Britney Spears’ career seems to be stabilizing since her father, Jaime, was granted permanent conservatorship last October. According to In Touch magazine, papa Spears also has the power to “restrict and limit visitors” to the pop star “by any means necessary”. We can only assume that he’ll now be fashioning some sort of adamantium anti-douche lock for Brit’s vagina.
– Matt, Staff Writer
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You just never know what some of these people will do for their time in the spotlight. Great article and blog.
It’s amazing to me how far from reality I really am.. I didn’t even know Amanda Bynes existed until I read this post. I will forever thank you guys, now if she can just stop stalking me. I will be adding this post to all of my Bookmarks.
Nice post!!