My first post came to me while I was downing a few Heinekens last night. I was wondering to myself about how Super Mario Bros really ended.. or rather what would have been a hilarious ending because when I’m drunk I think of funny shit.
So here it is.
(Mario enters the dungeon)
Mario: Princess! Princess! I’ve come to rescue you my little spicy meatball…(Sees Toad)…Wait. Who the heck are you?
Toad: Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle.
Toad: Uh…well…she’s not here.
Toad: Mario, sir…?
Mario: What in the hell do you mean she’s not here?
Toad: Umm…she’s in another castle, but if you’ll simply slide down this green tube I’m sure you’ll be on your way to…
Mario: STOP! You mean to tell me that after everything I’ve just been through, I came all this way for f*cking nothing?
Toad: Hey now, listen, let’s not get carried away here…
Mario: NO YOU LISTEN YOU SHORT F*CKING FREAK! I DIDN’T JUST WADDLE-RUN MY WAY THROUGH THAT RED-BRICKED WAR ZONE JUST SO YOU CAN TELL ME THAT THAT SLUT ISN’T HERE!
Toad: Mario, please, be reasonable. I’m sure that if you go just a few more levels you’ll surely…
Mario: LEVELS! LEVELS! MY GOD IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK GAME TO YOU?
Mario: MY BROTHER LUIGI’S ROTTING CORPSE IS OUT THERE BEING DEVOURED BY SOME UNHOLY MIX OF FLYING TURTLES AND WALKING MUSHROOMS WITH FANGS, AND YOU’RE IN HERE GIVING ME SOME BULLSH*T ABOUT LEVELS!
Toad: Mario, please I’m just the princess’ messenger!
Mario: NOT TO MENTION I JUST BARELY MANAGED TO ESCAPE BEING BAR-B-QUED BY THAT 10-FOOT F*CKING DRAGON ON THE BRIDGE BY THE LAVA PIT OVER THERE.
Toad: And I’m sure you’ll be greatly rewarded by the princess once you finally rescue…
Mario: YOU KNOW IT’S FUNNY, BUT SOMEHOW I THINK HER ROYAL BITCHNESS FORGOT TO MENTION THE LITTLE DETAIL ABOUT HAVING TO BATTLE F*CKING GODZILLA FOR HER. IF I WOULD’VE KNOWN BEFOREHAND I WOULD’VE JUST TOLD THAT SKANK TO SUCK MY BIG ITALIAN SAUSAGE!
Toad: Mario, sir, please. If you don’t continue on our princess will be lost forever and…
Mario:NO! F*CK THAT. I’m going back home. No f*cking piece of ass is worth this. I’d rather spend the rest of my life unclogging sh*t from people’s toilets than deal with this motherf*cking mess any more. So you can just tell that slut that I’m going to go bury my brother, gather up some of those psychedelic mushrooms I saw earlier, and figure out a way to make it stop shooting out fireballs every time I take a piss. DAMMIT, I knew I should have never responded to that message on that bathroom stall.
(Walks out in disgust.)
Toad: Well, I guess we could always call Joe the Plumber.